A meme crossed my path this week that said something to this effect. It was about healing from toxic relationships; the ‘they’ is of course the people who hurt you, and whom you have cut off. I realize now that taken out of context it sounds a tad threatening, but the sense behind it was something like, Don’t feel bad for continuing to be in No Contact, because they know where to find you if they were interested. But they’re not.

I officially went no-contact with my mother (and subsequently my entire family) back in May 2023 when we left Louisiana for a second and final time. I blocked her number as we were driving out of state, and haven’t looked back. These last couple of years I still bought gifts for my three nieces, and I texted my sister happy 40th birthday this year. But we don’t ‘talk.’

I have zero idea of what has befallen my mother or family since, have no idea what she says about me, or how she rationalizes my leaving to anyone who will listen. I can only imagine based on her past behavior. I realized about a year ago that I had forgotten to block her number on my daughter’s phone–and she left a message on her phone out of the blue, emphatically demanding that my then 12-year old daughter call her. Blocked. She will still send the occasional guilt-induced birthday or Christmas card my daughter’s way. Last year she sent her a check for Christmas, which I promptly tore up and threw away. We don’t need your guilty conscience money, lady, and we don’t need your stupid cards either.

The degree to which I am DONE with this woman shocks even me sometimes. But what this meme made me realize was, this isn’t all my fault, it was NEVER my fault, I made a choice going on three years ago now, and I haven’t looked back. Is it hard to explain to people who don’t know my past (and even to some who do)? Yes, of course it can be hard. Do I feel guilt, even a little bit, for shutting her out so completely? Actually, no, no I really don’t. It was a long time coming, and I am still healing and reeling from realizing that this shit was going on my entire life. Does that make me heartless? Maybe? But only when it comes to her.

Implicit in the meme was the following wisdom: If they wanted to, they would. Full stop. Stop waiting on people to make amends, to show interest, to reach out, because if they wanted to, they would. Thing is, I haven’t been waiting for anything, I have zero expectations when it comes to her, but the meme made me realize, she has my email address, my sister isn’t blocked by me. There are ways to reach out and apologize for her behavior. If she wanted to, she would.