I have decided this week that I am officially going low-contact with my N-Mom. The last time I saw her was Monday July 5th. We were off work and on our way home from the park with our daughter, so we stopped by to say hello. My daughter asked to stop by, and I only agreed because I’d missed several calls from N-Mom over the weekend, and thought it would be less painful to do the quick in-person visit. Also did I mention that I live 6 doors down from N-Mom? We’ll get to that later.
July 5th is also my half-sister’s birthday. One of the first things out of N-Mom’s mouth was, ‘well did you call your sister for her birthday?’ Which of course I did not. Because she doesn’t call me for my birthday, or recognize it in any way other than the obligatory Facebook post. And so I do the same with her. This has been the case for at least 2 years now.
Let me back up a bit to a year ago, when my N-Mom was apparently so mad that I don’t “call them” (as if she and my sister are a unit? I didn’t really understand this at the time and still don’t), and was sitting on the news that my sister was pregnant, that one day in a fit of rage, my mom broke that news to me–news that wasn’t hers to share–apparently to punish me for not calling “them.” Meanwhile, my sister and I had been texting, she was going to drop off a piece of heirloom furniture to me that had been in her storage facility–so she knew she was going to see me that very weekend, to break the news to me in person about her pregnancy. Mind you, this is her SECOND, not her first, but still, this was her news to share, not my mom’s.
After that incident, my sister was furious with my mom, and of course my mom refused to apologize for her actions. Eventually, we all just “got over it” like always. My sister spent New Year’s eve here with us because her husband was out of town hunting, and we talked about N-Mom a bit. We cleared the air, I told my sister I am not a phone talker, so I’m not just going to call people out of the blue to chat. That is what N-Mom does. My sister was fine with it, agreeing that the only person she talks to with regularity is N-Mom because she calls all the time. So my mom trying to say that “they” were mad at “me” for not calling “them” was complete insanity and manipulation. When called out on it, N-Mom didn’t back down, insisting I was to blame for the entire mess.
N-Mom seems to have this delusion that I need to do whatever she says I need to do. She calls my sister all the time, therefore so should I. Nevermind that my sister and I are 10 years apart and have not really ever been ‘close’, and that’s ok. Last month, in the presence of my sister, N-Mom also tried to guilt me into visiting my grandmother in the nursing home weekly, you know since I live so close (she is 10 minutes from both mine and N-Mom’s houses). My sister was literally sitting right there and got no such guilt trip. My sister did speak up for me and point out that it was completely unfair, but N-Mom does not care. I honestly think it’s some messed up way of offloading her responsibilities to me. I love my grandmother, but her mind is completely gone; also she’s my grandmother, not my mother. Going forward I will visit my grandmother as frequently as I see fit, without N-Mom’s input.
Back to the current time. My daughter went to sleepaway camp for the first time at the end of June. Since we never get free babysitting from N-Mom (because N-Mom cannot be bothered and is always too busy), we made a few plans that week do go out to dinner, drinks, to a movie, and I scheduled a couple of happy hours at work that same week because I knew I would be more available. Well, N-Mom must have been unhappy that I didn’t dedicate my free time to HER, because she called me out of the blue on on Wednesday June 30th, to tell me that she wasn’t going to be at home because she decided to go visit my sister (“I just can’t help it”), and was sorry she wouldn’t be there “for your entertainment.” I was dumbfounded. “I didn’t ask you to be available for my entertainment, thanks?” was my reply. I’m pretty certain she only called to tell me all of that to make me feel bad that she was choosing to spend HER time with my sister and her kids, boo-hoo for me, didn’t that make me feel like shit? It was simultaneously insulting, because she was implying that I would be lost without her, and guilt-inducing, because I chose to plan events that did not center around her, therefore she chose my sister over me, yet again.
Back to the in-person visit on July 5th. She went on to tell my daughter that ‘your mom had all kinds of fun while you were away’–something which I did NOT tell my daughter, and I hardly call overdue night out with my husband, and a couple of work happy hours ‘all kinds of fun’. You’re not supposed to tell them that you’re going to have fun while they’re away; you’re supposed to not really say anything, that you’ll miss them, etc, to make it easier on them when they’re away. My daughter was like, ‘who did?’ and N-Mom goes, ‘your MOM did.’ Thanks, bitch.
N-Mom also said she was going to cook something this weekend for my sister to celebrate her birthday…and that was the last straw. When I didn’t take the bait, she said, ‘well don’t you want to come over and eat?’ and I said ‘No, I don’t really need to celebrate her birthday, we don’t really do that, furthermore no one celebrates my birthday, we’re all adults now.’ Also, it’s our anniversary this weekend (today in fact), so there was no way I was getting cornered into attending some bogus birthday dinner that was really just an elaborate way to spite me. I’m sorry, but we are all adults now with our own families, birthdays are no longer our parents’ responsibility! We celebrate with our husbands and children, and that’s it. Your mother might give you a gift, or join you for dinner (my mom tagged along on my birthday dinner), but they by no means need to cook you some dinner and make a big production nearly a week after the fact.
In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t said the thing about not celebrating my sister’s birthday, because it gives N-Mom power to say shit to my sister about my selfishness or whatever, but it was amazing how much shit that woman can unload in a 5 minute visit. If not talking to N-Mom means that I miss out on so-called ‘family’ hang-outs, well then so be it. If my sister cared to include us, she would. N-Mom is making a big deal out of nothing in order to make me feel bad, as usual.
Low-contact has got to happen. That woman causes me so much grief in such a short span of time, I have to limit my exposure to her or I will go insane. This week already I feel freer than I’ve felt in a while. When I start feeling guilty, I am getting better at compartmentalizing it and ignoring it. I have nothing to feel guilty for! I’m just over here, living my life, hurting no one; if they wanted to spend time with us, they could invite us. I’m not going to spin my wheels wondering if I’m being left out; I truly do not care anymore. My sister had her baby back in March, I’ve seen the baby 3 times since then, I think that’s enough. Because N-Mom has been spending all of her free time at my sister’s helping with the baby, she for some reason thinks I need to be doing that, too. I’m guessing she’s guilting me selfishly to relieve her of “having to do it all the time,” so purely selfish reasons. She’s the grandmother, she SHOULD be spending time. She sure as hell didn’t spend that kind of time with my daughter, so she can suck it as far as I’m concerned.
Chicken Stew 